This summer, I took a class with a session titled The Power of the Personal Narrative. The speaker asked us to discuss the most emotionally difficult event that we’ve experienced in our lives.  I buried my head in my computer because the pain was a little too raw.  Then, a music teacher who was sitting two tables over began to speak.  She said “5 years ago, we were selected to adopt a baby on July 11th.  We had a shower, we had a name, we were ready for her.  On July 13th, we received a call explaining that the birth mom had changed her mind.  We weren’t going to be parents.”  She paused and went on to say, “3 months later I received a call during a staff meeting that a little boy was about to be born and we were selected to be the parents.  We went straight to the hospital and I was the first one to hold him.  Today, he is 5 years old and will begin Kindergarten at my school next year.”  One of my colleagues rubbed my back, another touched my arm, and a third sent me a text that said “hugs friend.”

We haven’t updated the blog in awhile.   It’s been a rocky spring.   A friend from high school saw our video and connected us with a birth mom who was due June 10th.  She had a woman who was going to adopt her baby, but that fell through.  She was in need of a new family.  Within the week, she told us that we were the parents of her baby.  She agreed to let us come to her next doctor appointment.  The appointment was on June 3rd.   This was really happening!

 My mom came and we shopped and shopped.  Clothes, formula, bassinet, bottles, swaddle blankets, anything that we needed for the first few months.  We picked out a name that seemed just right.  I arranged a substitute teacher at work just in case she did give birth on June 10th and school didn’t get out until June 14th.  We talked about our summer.  Would we bring her to Uncle Tony’s on July 1st for the fireworks?  What about her little ears and the loud noise?  Maybe we would go for a few hours during the day then leave before the fireworks.  We allowed ourselves to get really excited.  We hoped to see our baby on the ultrasound during that appointment on June 3rd.

On June 2nd, I received a text while I was teaching my kiddos.  It was our birth mom.   It read “Hi sorry so far she (the woman who was going to adopt this baby initially) wants to continue the adoption.  I’m sorry.  But I have to take into consideration this was originally planned for her.”  I wrote back “We understand, thank you.”  We were crushed.

Through the next few weeks, we tried to process things.  We were angry, sad, hurt.  I was more angry and negative that I think I’ve ever been in my life.  Being around kids immediately became painful.  Tears came to our eyes the minute heard a little girl in a store yell “Daddy.” We were embarrassed that we let ourselves get so excited for something we knew could fall through.  We truly believe that adoption is for children who need good homes, not for our own selfish want to be parents.  But, it still hurt.  Oh my goodness did it hurt. So. Bad. 

After that music teacher told her story I approached her and thanked her.  I told her our story.  She began crying and hugged me.  She “got it.”  She SO “got it.”  She told me that she didn’t want to tell her story but she volunteered because her colleagues told her it might help someone in the room.  It did.  I, of course, ran home and told Troy.  We know now, that this is only part of our journey.  That little girl wasn’t meant to be a part of our family, but we pray that she is in the perfect family for her.  God has a plan, we trust it, and we are ready to continue our journey with Him!  We also reeeeaaallllly hope that it includes a kiddo for us to love!